pondering

13Sep10

Things, ideas, projects, and so much more are developing, cooking, growing, and are just plain wonderful. In a way, this is odd – because, in a way, at the surface, ‘what is’ is  all these different fields of descriptions and challenges and intensities – ‘what is’ is so varied that perhaps it is odd to say, that the way everything’s combining can be generalized as inclusive growth – but that’s what’s happening. To summarize, I’ve been learning that it’s ok to be who I am – it’s ok to be me as me is. I’ve still got a long way to go to wholly be this, but what is so far, is really wonderful.

I finally started getting official Russian lessons last week. It’s been the reminder of how much I absolutely love learning languages – how much fun it is to create and understand structure – to creatively combine and make sentences and stories – the way that feels like play and legitimate. I’ve also noticed that when I think inside my head, it’s part English and part Russian. Sometimes thought sentences combine and when they end, my mind gets shocked and thinks, “Wait, those were two very different languages!”

Next month, we’ll start doing an extensive HIV awareness project that includes the entire city, and a giant mosaic! I’m really stoked about the project. While preparing for Ukraine, there are all these thoughts, ideas and preparations that you do to get ready for coming here. Once you’re here, sometimes, what you think, you find out isn’t true and other times, what you think, becomes true beyond what you thought. It’s really cool that the thought, “It would be cool if I could do a mosaic project while here” has become real and that it started out as an offhand idea to supplement what already is in place in my city. This is really wild and wonderful!

These are the biggest cool things, and then there’ve just been some other cool things, like hanging out with my ‘Ukrainian family’ at site – who are a cluster of deeply compassionate and expressive people. It’s always really refreshing to hang out with them. And then, there’s a network of super amazing people from the camp I helped with a month ago, that make it so difficult to leave my oblast center. I’ve been noticing lately, that what’s becoming one of my ways of being is that I’ll ‘spontaneously’ show up and then call people who live nearby to possibly meet up. I’m a bit unsure about the benefits to this development, but we’ll see how it goes.

The other thing that’s been lately, is that I’ve been super sensitive to rhetoric – the ways of communicating – the different techniques – and phrases we use, whether we really mean them, and what impact all of this has on people – on the body itself. One of the things that is unfolding and one that I’m fully content about, is that I’m coming to fully understand and live the idea that “people are the most significant part to living.” And I’m happy that my life is beginning to be centered on this fact.

And finally, the more serious thing, and the idea that started the idea to procrastinate and write up a blog post:

Lately, there’s been a ton of discussion about cancer both in Russian and English and today, actually had two significant conversations about it. And, well, I guess, especially because of my dad, I’ve got a ton of ideas about it. What worries me about cancer, and those people with cancer is how we talk about cancer relates to how we treat cancer.

One of the significant conversations I had with my dad, last year, before he had his super invasive surgery, was he told me that he had no idea he was sick. I don’t really remember exactly what I said, but it was somewhere along the lines, “of course you didn’t – cancer is the mutation of cells gone rampant – how could you have known? It’s your body doing what it does, only not able to do what it does exactly how it should.”

It’s really bothersome that we say, things like, “stay strong”, “keep fighting”, “cancer survivor”, “don’t give up” to people who have cancer and then what cancer treatment does is go in, and kill everything, not discriminating on ‘good’ or ‘bad’ cells, but just wiping everything out. We have a technical term for this: it’s called a massacre. And what does this do for the person who is living with cancer? They’re not only living with the daily fact that they have cancer, but also with the reality that the way they’re trying to help their body live is by killing their body. I think science can do much better than this. We could definitely use a much better scientific and holistic approach to how we live and work and help people.

But I don’t think science is at fault here – at least this is one of the things I’ve learned from Foucault – because science is founded on the way we think. What if we didn’t relate to cancer as a struggle and a fight – what if it could be something else? What if we used other language for those who live with cancer and those impacted by cancer’s far reaching tethers? What would that look like? What if we just said, “Stanley, that sucks. But do what you want to do in the world. I love you and I’m here for you.” I mean, that’s all we can really say, isn’t it? Saying “keep fighting” just puts more pressure on the person with cancer, and we already have way too much fighting in the world  – that to fight at the intricate level of the body, doesn’t make sense whatsoever. Cancer sucks regardless, and I think we should just be present to the person living with cancer, so that they can make the clearest possible decisions and be able to let go of their life when that needs to happen. The other thing is that when we say, ‘keep fighting’ what happens, is that people feel guilty when their body shuts down – that they didn’t do enough, or they ‘gave up the fight.’

Dieing is a fact. It happens and it’s ok. I wish our culture related to death better – not so much as a tragedy and as something that is wrong- especially with a long-term illness – but that we related to death as process. Yeah cancer sucks, and it’s not easy finding out you have cancer or other people you know have cancer. And the cancer treatment is definitely not even something anyone thinks of as a joyful endeavor, but I think we can do a much better job relating to death…

On a more personal note, I still don’t know how to respond when people say, “I’m sorry you have to go through the reality of your dad having terminal cancer.” I don’t know, because it just is – it’s the fact, the reality – and yeah, it’s hard and it sucks, but what else am I going to do? What am I supposed to say to them? “I’m sorry too”? “It’s ok”? “Yeah, well”? Any of these responses feels inadequate and untrue. I’m not sorry. It sucks, but sorriness is another form of regret, and to relate to my dad with regret isn’t supportive to him. To say, ‘it’s ok,’ fails to acknowledge how hard it is medically, physically and financially for my dad. To say, ‘yeah, well…’ is just plain, impolite, abrasive, and a passive approach to the reality.

My main concern is the mental stability and clarity of my dad – that he does and thinks and relates to the world with peace and clarity, and that when he needs to say, “I’m tired. I don’t want to do this anymore. Enough…’ that he says it. I hope that the community around him says, “Ok. We love you and honor you. We let you go. We relinquish all your responsibilities. And as much as we’re going to miss you, we let you go. It’s most important that you are at rest with the world. Also, again and again, we love you.” And I hope that my dad is able to live and die with completeness. This is what I want, and I want to be part of that community that’s able to say, “Yes, we acknowledge and honor and love your life and decisions…..”

**Ok, here’s the disclaimer: I’ve abused the power of the blog – subjected you to my ideals and ways of thinking. Also, cancer is a super complex thing, but this is how I relate to it – and it’s skewed. Please don’t take offense, but look at it as a possibility and just what it is – a perspective. Thank you.

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