complex

07Sep10

I took a program called “India, Dance of Politics, Politics of Dance” my first quarter at Evergreen and somehow, amazingly, established some honorable friendships. India’s on my mind because currently my Ben friend lives and works there, and my Alya friend has jumped on a plane heading there. If all works out, two of my worlds will collide, and I couldn’t be happier about it – especially with who’s colliding. For a long time, I tried to have separate worlds and separate spheres to live in where it would bother me when worlds collide. That was my younger, naive, scared self. In my now self, I understand the way of inclusion of making connections and networking, and how wonderful it is to have someone respond to what you’re up to in the world. I’m no longer afraid of failing and having others witnessing that.

In the program at Evergreen, one of my professors said something like, “You go to India. This first week you’re there, you could write a novel about being there. Be there for a month, and you will only be able to write an article. 6 months, a sentence or two. Two years? Good luck trying to even talk about India.” In transcribing this idea to my experience in Ukraine, I don’t know if it transcribes. I definitely feel at 8 months, I could have told you more than what I can say now, but I feel that that’s because when I think about how to talk about Ukraine, all of these images and smells and feelings swell up, and crowd the door to my mouth. What comes out are guttural sounds, and facial expressions. Finally, once ideas have carved holes and gaps, the word, almost inaudible, squeezes out: Complex.

It’s complicated to talk about what’s going on here. Sometimes, it’s just sensory overload. Sometimes, my body is here, and my mind is going, “whoa. this is happening” Sometimes I feel like I could live here forever, and other times I miss things like tofu, nutritional yeast and black beans. Sometimes, I’m really happy about living here, and other times, I intensely miss loved ones. But this is all me, and my processing.

What about Ukraine? This place I’m calling home right now? What about its changes, and weather, and sights and people and smells and ideas? What about how history plays with what is? What about everything that has happened and is happening here? What about the education, and policies? What about the people here and how they relate to life? What about everything that is?

I don’t really know how to begin to describe Ukraine, because to say one thing, means not to say the other thing. What is unique about Ukraine, is that both are present, in tandem, and at the forefront of life here. It’s a myriad of eras, and ways of thinking that create a space. Ukraine feels different than the states. There’s this calm determination to it. The way that mostly, people are present to each other – something, we, Americans, as a whole don’t do a very good job. It’s the way there’s a weird combination between growing organic, and using extreme chemicals – it’s the way that buses are less dependable than trains, but Marshrutkas are always there. It’s the way that weather works here – how, when it’s the first day of any season, it immediately changes to that season immediately. There’s no ifs ands or buts to weather here. I guess, it’s a lot of things, but mostly, it’s definitely Ukraine.

What I’ve been really experiencing and learning lately, is that people’s lives are at stake in every interaction. It’s important that we foster and care for each person’s passage to the exploration and expression of their ultimate self… of the self that’s integrated into being about the world. It’s a complex practice, but a valuable one too, I think.

for now, there’s work to be done.

iea

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